How to Tell if You’re Ready For a Mastiff

This clever list that follows below originally appeared on the Facebook page of A Home for Every Mastiff back in 2013 was credited to another Mastiff rescue group’s wall. We’d be very pleased to publish the name of the original author – anyone?

How to Tell if You’re Ready For a Mastiff

1) Lift a hundred pound bag of wet sand up and down the stairs;

2) Push a hundred pound bag of wet sand into your car;

3) Smear hair gel all over your walls and throw it on the ceiling and TV, while you’re at it, smear the lower half of all windows, curtains and glass;

4) Rub fur and gel into the roof of your vehicle;

5) At least twice daily, drop that bag of wet sand on your bare foot;

6) Shake balls of fur, mulch, and a bucket of dirt all over your house daily (add water for rainy days);

7) Practice repeating “English mastiff, about 200 pounds…8-10 cups a day…”no, I don’t have a saddle,” over and over with a smile;

8) Volunteer at the zoo to help wash the large animals and clean up their poop;

9) Invite your friends over and have them all try to get in the bathroom while you are using it;

10) Practice telling people that your husband does NOT beat you, that those bruises are from your dog!

11) Take a nice long piece of rubber hose and go around smacking all the coffee mugs off the end-tables and hit any close male where he doesn’t like to be hit and smack your own legs a few times too;

12) Have someone operate a chain saw at the foot of your bed all night…record this and play it every night close to your ear.

True, Mastiff owners?

Image: “Otis” by Tom Fretz is available as wall art, home decor and lifestyle items here

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